I hate self-reflections. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind self-reflecting; it is the activity of writing out my thoughts for others to read that I hate. It always seem sugar-coated, superficial, and tailored to the audience rather than an honest account of my perspective. I was told to include a self-reflection of my progress throughout the program and I have never been the defiant type, so I am including this piece of literary art.
What a journey it has been: applying to the program on a whim. I was desperate to change the path I was taking and so I took the plunge and applied. And then I was accepted! Unfortunately, I applied for and was accepted to the Speech Language Pathology program. I had (still have) a passion for language and those who want to learn language. I was interested in accent reduction. Or so I thought. I took some leveling classes to get even footing with the CSD undergrads and that is when my path changed, yet again. I was fascinated by Audiology and begged to be able to change from SLP to AuD. Thank goodness I was permitted and thank goodness I made that decision. In the beginning, it was tough. I was behind my classmates, I had never performed audiometry, only heard of tympanometry, and couldn't keep hearing aid battery sizes straight to save my life. I questioned my decision and myself, wondering often if I was really cut out to do this. I remember the first week of class a professor asked us what we wanted to focus on in Audiology. I remember thinking "MY GOD! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS ALREADY??!!". Others were answering "pediatrics" or "vestibular" I felt like I had to say something! And so I exclaimed the only thing that popped into my mind: "Aural Rehabilitation!" Ironically, it has become one of the aspects of Audiology that I am enthusiastic about. That first year was about getting into the groove of Audiology. I remember being overwhelmed by simply trying to figure things out (like masking) and then freaking out when I actually had to try and do it. That first year (and, let's be honest, the second and sometimes even the third!) had me constantly feeling insecure, out of my element, like I was never ever going to learn and know what everyone else does. I remember thinking the capstone projects were written in Greek! But overtime, I have begun to build confidence in my knowledge, in my ability, in myself. I think being thrown out into practicum, maybe a little green, does ultimately help. You make mistakes, you look stupid, you ask silly questions, you get that "oh, she's a student" eye roll, but then, you start to do things right, you catch something your supervisor was overlooking, you take the extra time with a patient and get thanked for it and eventually you hear :"You did a great job today!" Along the way, especially in the beginning (but not restricted to the beginning) I questioned if this was the path that I was meant to take. I often asked "Can I really do this for the rest of my life?" and maybe I asked it too often not because I was unsure of Audiology but because I was unsure of myself. Once I got over that insecurity and found the courage to ask the right questions, read the right books, and make the right contacts, I found the courage to learn. I found the courage to practice. I am still far from being a self-sufficient Audiologist, but because I allowed myself to learn (and be embarrassed in the process), I finally feel like my life is headed where it is supposed to.
